Today's MOZEN: TACT

 

Originally Published in The Rockland County Business Journal, 10/13/2024

Winston Churchill once said, “tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip”.

Like most quotes that last, it says a lot in a single sentence.

There’s a beautiful simplicity in his use of language. In a way, it’s both vulgar and sublime. And, within that, lies its genius. It’s also clever, conveying a sense of humor that, despite a sharp edge, makes the statement palatable.

And, perhaps most importantly, it means that it is possible to intensely disagree with someone and still engage in civil discourse. It’s a skill that seems to be sorely lacking today.

There may be many reasons for this, not the least of which has been the incredible rise in our use of Social Media. Lately, there have been many studies demonstrating both the wonders and pitfalls of our love affair with the Internet. They seem to me to be both sides of the same coin.

On one hand, we have access to a world of information that is virtually limitless and unimaginable just a generation ago. There is almost nothing we can’t learn if we so desire. And our access to it is almost immediate. So fast in fact, that I believe all of us are guilty of impatience when we must wait for more than a few seconds for our computers to give us EXACTLY what we want.

On the other hand, there is also a sense of anonymity when we react with each other through the internet. It provides an electronic wall of protection that often allows us to say and do things we might not consider if done in a more personal and direct way. We can flash to anger when we see, read, or hear something that we adamantly disagree with and with a single key stroke, vent to one’s heart’s desire, i.e. instant gratification.

Sure, you might feel better in the moment, but did we really accomplish anything? Have we come to a greater understanding, even if we disagree? Unfortunately, I think not.

Lastly, Churchill’s statement suggests that we need not compromise our principles when debating with others, especially during a time of such fractured politics. However, it also allows for others to have the same rights to not relinquish theirs. And, in this crucial election year, it’s never been more important that we find ways to close what seems to be an ever-widening gap. One way, perhaps the only way, is to continue to engage in spirited, passionate, respectful dialogue.

Try a little tact too. It may go a long way.

 

Today's MOZEN: LIFE and DEATH LESSONS

With months to reflect on the death of my mother, Stella, my mind still swirls with a dazzling array of thoughts, feelings, and emotion.

Even as I write this, I pause frequently to dig deeper into both my conscious and subconscious mind. Still, they come so quickly and with such intensity, it becomes difficult to separate one impulse from another. This is why I have always appreciated the so-called stream of consciousness writers like Kerouac; if they felt it, they wrote it. Immediately.

Well, I'm no Kerouac and won't even try to be. But I'll do my best to share some of my more profound thoughts with you. Perhaps you will find some relevance.

First, don't cry for Stella. She lived and incredibly long life, passing just a few months short of her 100th birthday. And, for the great majority of that time, she experienced over-all good health and a full life, working while still raising a family. And she LOVED her family.

As my father, Joseph, died many years ago, I suppose that makes me an orphan at nearly 70.

And, although I made that statement with tongue somewhat in cheek, it is also having a profound effect on me now.

Even though I live a comfortable, almost privileged live, with a good roof over my head, a very adequate retirement fund that I worked a lifetime to achieve, a solid relationship with what's left of most of my family, a strong social calendar, and a wonderful woman to share the rest of my life with, there are times that I actually feel lonely.

Let me explain.

As I have also aged, with that aging comes the responsibility of taking YOUR turn to lead. I know that I have many people counting on me in many different ways. And I intend to deliver. It's my nature.

But, it also begs the question: where do I take my troubles when there is no one left to turn to?

You know, the type of things that ONLY your parents (if you had parents like mine) will understand, not judge, and give you the type of loving support only they can give. And, this is in no deference to your lover. It is important to share with them, too. However, there are truly some things that can only be understood by those who created you.

I don't have that anymore - and there are times that I could sure use it ( and please don't tell me to find god in religion)

I found myself in long, lonely conversations with them that are, generally speaking, one-way in nature! I suppose that means that they have planted the answers within me. I don't need to hear them again, only to accept them.

Still, I find myself in situations where I see something that Stella would like (like fresh plums from the farmer's market), thinking, "oh, I should get some for her", only to realize that she's not here.

The world keeps turning. Our immortality truly lies not in the erection of some marble statue in our honor, but in the little, daily memories that keeps someone alive in our hearts and minds.

There is one other recurring theme that keeps popping up into my head as well.

And, it ain't pretty - but it is REAL and doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing in the end.

When we're young, we are filled with images of death that are crafted to at least soothe the feeling of terror virtually every human being experiences at the thought of their own demise. It certainly still scares the shit out of me!

Most of these images are of our aging loved ones, at the end of their lives, grey, thin, and wasting, but still glowing, propped up in bed with comfy pillows and plush comforters, surrounded by appropriately somber loved ones. We held hands as our loved ones slowly and blissfully slipped into the other side.

What a crock of shit!!

Both of my parents met miserable ends.

My father died racked with the ravages of Alzheimer's, reduced to 114 lbs., virtually incapable of human communication.

He died in the middle of the night, alone, in a nursing home. We had no warning. I was informed by phone the next day.

My mother didn't fare much better. She spent the last year of her life bedridden, incontinent, insane, suffering from Lewy Body Dementia. If not for the herculean efforts of my older sister, she would have died in a nursing home, too. Instead, the small consolation was that she died alone in her sleep, but at least at home.

So, why share such terrible stories?

Well, it's not so much that I dwell on these things or use them to curry sympathy. That's not my style.

Rather, I'd like to share the positive that can be taken from such miserable situations. And that is to live life to the fullest EVERY DAY.

I know that we hear this so much that it is in danger of becoming trite. It can be - if you let it. Don't. Instead use it to look for the little(st) things that bring us pleasure, especially when WE ARE TOGETHER.

Moments don't have to be momentous to bring pleasure and memories that will last a lifetime - because we need them to.

DON'T WAIT. PARTICIPATE - IN LIFE!

Today's MOSTLY TRUE SHORT STORY: When Magic Happens

It happened in a place and time when magic was still possible.

I believe that it was the ONLY place it could have happened.

Now, it only exists only in my memories.

It was the mid1980's and I had moved to the place that I would call my future and forever home - Nyack, NY.  I had come here because of my first job in television at a small, local cable television station where I produced and hosted what became a fairly popular magazine style program called "Eye On Rockland". It's hard for me to believe it, but occasionally someone will still recognizing me on the street for it today. My partner Amanda gets a real kick out of it!

Anyway, having lived in Nyack, I like, most of the other local urchins, frequented a select number of local bars including Eastwick's, The Old Fashioned, and, my personal favorite, O'Donoghue's. All of them had their distinct flavors (in every sense of the word) and I made regular rounds at all three. But, O'Donoghue's, a former speakeasy and the oldest family run bar in the County, was the place I went to for good food, cold beer, and GREAT conversation (I have another post devoted strictly to its wonderful and long history).

And so it was one summer evening. I was sitting in my favorite stool near the end of the bar so I could get a good view of what was happening in the place. I pretty much minded my own business but I'm an affable guy and if a good conversation lent itself, I was game. 

A tall, handsome in his own right, blonde man approached me as if he recognized me. As I was on TV (even small-time, it's still TV!) this was not entirely unusual. Strangely, I thought I recognized him from TV too! He seemed friendly enough so I engaged him.

It turned out that his WAS on a TV - a recurring role on a daily soap opera. He had also done some other acting in films and commercials. He told me his name but unfortunately it's now lost through time.

At one point, without any prompting, he said something that I have taken with me to this very day. It went something like this:

"I've seen your work. You have talent. You can make it. BUT, they won't make it easy for someone like you. Just don't quit."

I was flabbergasted. I did not know this man and he certainly did not know me. But he spoke with such honesty and sincerity. He had no reason to say such things. He wanted nothing from me except some conversation. He did not elaborate further but repeated it again. Having been so taken by that comment, I honestly don't remember details of the rest of our conversation.

Many years later, when I was working for CBS News on W57th Street, I actually saw him at the corner of W57th and 10th Ave. I understood that the apartment house on the corner was actually a subsidized building that provided apartments for aging actors. He must have been living there! I tried to get his attention but he disappeared behind the front door before I could reach him. Not remembering his name, I couldn't locate him on the registry.

I never saw him again.

But I never forgot him or what he said to me and I will be forever grateful. When I feel beat, spent, down, finished, I think of what he said.

Because, magic can happen - at the right time and place - if you believe.

Today's MOZEN: GO AWAY!

OK. So, here we are again, as if stuck in a scene from the film Ground Hog's Day where instead of a rodent, we're stuck with the image of Donald J. Trump.

Over and Over Again.

Saying the same lame things.

Over and Over Again.

He presents himself as a 12 year-old school yard bully would: blustering and bellowing, making idle threats, and, perhaps worst of all, inventing lame, insulting, juvenile names for his opponents.

No, she does not pronounce her name "18 different ways", she pronounces it one way: Ka-ma-la. 

I mean, seriously, what other adult human being does that?

He claims that she has a very low IQ after stumbling and bumbling over his words for half an hour to get to that point!

And, worse still, is that his crowd eats it up with a large spoon!

Using pejoratives is never the way to win an argument or even make a point, so I do my best to avoid them. Therefore, I will temper my response by using 2 words as a broader term to describe the seemingly blind fanaticism of his followers - willful ignorance.

There is no other rational explanation to me.

Again, I know, I'm preaching to the choir - and a small choir at that. Still, it needs to be said.

Over and over again.

Until he goes away.

Go KA-MA-LA!

 

Today's MOZEN: A CHALLENGE

Woman of the United States, the stars have finally aligned. It may have been a tortuous, circuitous path but DO NOT LOSE this opportunity to seize power now!

I challenge each and every voting American woman to stop complaining about the patriarchy and DO something about it!

Throw ALL of your support behind this intelligent, experienced, sassy, YOUNG, powerful woman.

You have the numbers. You've ALWAYS had the numbers. USE THEM effectively. Anything else is acceptance of failure.

If you recall the last time a woman ran for President (remember Hillary?), a very common refrain from other women was that they couldn't vote for her because she was an "arrogant elite". Unfortunately, that's used far too often to describe educated, aggressive, professional women. Please don't use it again.

We KNOW the consequences of our failure to elect a qualified woman. Remember 2016.

Women of America, unite behind Kamala Harris!

I know that I certainly will.

Today's MOZEN: FIGHT THE PARADOX!

All word and photos by F LoBuono

The more I think about it, the more I believe I've come to understand The Democratic Paradox.

It's certainly not a new concept, but perhaps because of the critical nature of the current threat to the latest version of American Democracy, it seems particularly important to understand it now.

The very nature, the essential essence of Liberal Democracy, is the absolute freedom of any individual to express their opinion on ANY subject, even to the detriment to the very system that allows that expression.

Yes, even if it means the destruction of the personal liberties at the very core of society itself.

This is the paradox.

But, it doesn't have to be this way - if we are wary.

We must remain vigilant for those who will use the system to break the system. They will come in the name of law and order: just as long as it's their law, their order. Those unwilling to comply will be eliminated, one way or the other.

And, this is not hyperbole. It has happened many times in the past and is threating to happen again. See PROJECT 2025.

Democracy, American Democracy is at stake. Don't be bullied by those who will use the flag to beat you over the head with. Being a Liberal Democrat doesn't mean you have to stand there and take it! 

Democracy is NOT a spectator sport.

Fight The Paradox!

VOTE. VOTE. VOTE.

Today's MOZEN: INDEPENENCE REFLECTIONS 2024

Words and photos by F LoBuono

The 4th of July is the time of year that, in addition to firing up the grill, we take a moment or two to think about what it really means to be an American.

At least it is for me.

And should be for all of us.

I'm sure it's probably been said before, but this year it is of particular importance. A huge election looms and choices will be made; choices that will determine the future meaning of what IS an American.

Those of you who have read this blog must know where my sentiments lie and they are as clear as the difference in personality between the 2 men who would be President.

On the one hand, we have the sitting President, Joe Biden, seeking reelection. Even after a disastrous debate performance calling further in question his age issues, he is still the clear choice to represent the America I would like to see continue: inclusive, progressive, compassionate. His record, despite some setbacks, remains solid - as are the people who surround him.

On the other hand, there is Donald Trump, the former President. I'll not mince words. He is a convicted liar and thief. His ego is so bloated that he would not reject the title "king". He mocks the disabled and disrespects woman. And, beyond his personality defects, Trump's draconian policies are reflected in his support from Project 2025, simply put a fancy name for a fascist agenda, one that he would gladly implement. If it were to happen, I feel blogs like mine, critical of the government and the President, would disappear.

And, what's even more frightening, the legacy from his former administration, i.e. his SCOTUS appointees, is already laying the ground work (see their recent decision of Presidential immunity) for it to become the law of the land.

With this in mind, PLEASE reflect on the TRUE meaning of the the 4th of July, i.e. INDEPENDANCE DAY.

WE WILL SERVE NO KING.

VOTE TO MAKE SURE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN!!!

Today's MOZEN: Life's Greatest Question

In my nearly 70 years on this planet (well, mostly, nod, nod, wink, wink) I've been a searcher and intrepid traveler in the quest for THE most important questions and, hopefully, answers about life itself.

Now, I believe that I can safely say that I certainly don't have many - if any - answers. But I do believe I may have finally found The Greatest, most significant question of our lives:

What should we eat tonight?

Yup. that's it.

What should we eat tonight?

Think about it.

I'm willing to venture that, for virtually ALL  of us, the ONLY question we ask ourselves, our partners, friends and family on a DAILY BASIS is:

What should we eat tonight?

Go ahead, read Plato, Socrates, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, and ALL the rest and I'll still bet you a $ that they only question they asked themselves on a daily basis was:

What should we eat tonight?

I rest my case. Prove me wrong.

That is all. Carry On.

Today's MOSTLY TRUE SHORT STORY: The Day I Met Willie Mays

It's one of those experiences that despite the passage of so much time, still remains so clear in your mind.

It must have been the Summer of 1968 or 9 and I was about 12 or 13. We lived in Fort Lee, NJ so the legendary Palisades Amusement Park was a big part of our lives, as it was to virtually everyone who grew up there. In another year or two, I would actually work a Summer there - making cotton candy for $1/hr. Yep. A buck an hour (a story for another post).

Anyway, my father was a Bergen County Sheriff's Deputy and like so many other law enforcement officers of the day (and today) worked extra jobs doing security work. In this case, my father was working at the Park at a place known as the Casino. It was a covered outdoor bar/restaurant with tables, a stage, and an area for dancing. It was near the famous World's Largest Outdoor Salt Water Pool so the dress code was always casual. One of my strongest recollections of the place was that it always smelled like booze, cheap booze. But it also featured performances from some top acts like Smokey Robinson, whom I had seen at least once or twice while my father worked.

Well, one day my father took me with him for one of his security gigs at the place because the one and only Willie Mays was making an appearance to sign autographs. Now, being a life-long, diehard Yankee fan, I thought that Mickey Mantle was the greatest baseball player of that time. However, I readily acknowledged Mays' greatness and was certainly not going to miss an opportunity to meet the legend.

As I recall it was a hot, mid-Summer day, bright and clear when we arrived at Palisades and entered the Casino. I don't remember Willie's arrival but I do remember seeing him surrounded by a big crowd. He was large, but not in a bulky way. He was wearing a polo shirt that exposed his sinewy arms. Mays was smiling broadly, enjoying the crowd. To me, with the sun shining on his ebony skin, I felt like he was glowing. 

Then, I saw something; the sleeves of his polo shirt must have been slightly shorter than his uniform shirt - because I noticed that he had a very distinct tan line. Now, please remember, I'm a young kid growing up in mostly lily-white Fort Lee and my exposure to black folk on very regular basis was limited.

So, I was shocked to see this!

In my youthful naivety I couldn't imagine how this could happen. After all, he was already black. Right?

With my father busy doing his job of crowd control, I tugged on his sleeve to get his attention. I needed an answer to my question: how could that possible be?

When he finally acknowledged me, I explained my dilemma. He calmly answered that, "of course black people can get tan. Some can even get sunburnt, just like you and me."

His response astounded me on a number of levels and I could get into all the esoterica surrounding my feelings to his response. However, instead I'll just say that, to this day, the lesson it so quickly and simply imparted on me was this: in life we are the more same than we are different.

Anyway, I was too intimated by the whole scene to actually ask Willie for his autograph or to have a photo made with him. But I'll always remember the time that I met the Great Willie Mays and the effect it had on me in ways he'll never know. 

Today's MOZEN: On Father's Day, 2024

Father's Day has always been a mixed bag for me; a true Yin Yang situation.

Allow me to explain.

First, I fathered none of my own children. So, I have no direct link to any. But, I did attempt to be a step-father once.

And, I have to acknowledge my own obvious failings as one.

That's not some kind of sad hyperbole. I said obvious with good reason: of the three boys, now men (and not so young anymore), I had under my care for the nearly 15 years I was with their mother and in the many years after, none of them are speaking to me. In fact, 2 pretty much detest me. They believe with good reason.

Of course, there are many complicated issues that led to this point, too many to detail here. I certainly was no ogre and never deliberately did anything to harm them. But the dynamics of culture, age, and personality all combined to make, at least for me, a most difficult situation. They would have their own stories.

Be that as it may, despite many efforts, it simply didn't/hasn't worked out.

So, I will receive well wishes from family and friends but none from them.

It is hurtful but it is what it is.

Now, lastly, and most importantly, the Yin to the Yang (or is it vice versa?) that I mentioned above:

I had the most fantastic father!

Our family was certainly no Ozzie and Harriet American dream but both my parents, despite whatever was happening in their own lives, prioritized out safety and well-being.

Especially my father!

I am shocked to hear of the behavior of other friends' fathers - because mine was SO loving! There wasn't a single day of our lives together that he didn't let me know how much he loved me (us) and how I (we) was the most important thing in his life - ALWAYS and FOREVER. In fact, the bond was so strong that I think it actually made my mother jealous at times.

And, he taught me so much about life.

So, with that in mind and to honor his life and legacy, I would like to share two of those axioms that I use almost everyday of my life.

1. There is no substitute for experience: I believe he learned this from his days as a combat engineer in WWII. When I asked him how he dealt with the paralyzing fear that must come with battle, he always replied, "trust in your training and experience. Once you've been exposed to something, you'll know what to do - and do it". So, live your life to the fullest.

2. When gambling, never bring more money than you can afford to lose - even if you lose ALL of it: this was, of course, a metaphor. He was never a big gambler and neither am I. It did not fit his working-class mentality. However, he did like to have fun, and as I mentioned above, liked to experience life to the fullest. So, he encouraged me to reach but to always understand the consequences of ALL actions.

He's been gone for a long time now. In fact, at this point, I've lived more of my life without him than with. But I feel his presence - and his everlasting love for us, today and EVERYDAY.

You inspire me - always.