When You Think About It: But For The Grace of God

Photo: F LoBuono

But For The Grace of God

7/17/11

As is my rather bizarre custom, I was wide-awake at 3 a.m. For some unfathomable reason, I never sleep more than 5 or 6 hours at a single stretch. Since I fell asleep around 11 . . . Well, do the math. It was a warm, still, moonlit night, and, so, the front door was open to provide a little more ventilation. My house is on a tall hill that sweeps down from the front yard all the way to the River. The moon was nearly full and bathed the entire vista in bright light. The sky was crystal clear. The night air outside was cooler than the stifling atmosphere in, making it a perfect night for standing in the open doorway and soaking in the atmosphere

While I marveled at the moonbeams dancing on the shimmering Hudson in the distance, I noticed a shadowy figure at the end of the block. I was not alarmed. There is a rehabilitation facility for mentally damaged people located on our corner. Patients can regularly be seen wandering the neighborhood at all hours of the day and night. These people are at the facility because they have suffered some form of mental, emotional, and physical collapse. But they are not “prisoners” and are, therefore, allowed to not only stroll the grounds of the facility, but the surrounding neighborhoods as well.

Because of their diminished state of mind, they are often medicated to the point of near catatonia. Many of them exhibit ticks and yell out obscenities. They can be pretty easy to spot. I’ll have to admit that it can be a little freaky. However, my wife and I disagree on the degree of danger they pose. We both see them as tragic figures and I find them to be mostly harmless. By and large, they keep to themselves. I also see them as part of the pattern of life that makes up this diverse neighborhood. While my wife has equal empathy, she worries more about the wisdom and safety of letting severely damaged people wander unattended on the corner of Fairmount Ave. and ROUTE 9W, where cars wiz by at 60 mph! She also has obvious concerns about seriously ill people, heavily medicated, roaming a neighborhood filled with families and children. I’m sure that she’s right. We have actually had one man come to our front door on a number of occasions looking for the father he cannot find. He stands in the doorway, hands shaking at his side, when he asks simply, “is my father in there”? It’s so very sad to have to tell him, “No, we’re sorry. He is not here”. He turns away and walks silently back down the driveway.

It certainly is not the best location for all parties concerned. But at the same time, I can’t help but empathize so strongly with some of the lost souls that I have encountered there. More than once in my life, I’ve felt that a place like that would be my ultimate destination.

Even though the figure was a few hundred feet away and heavily silhouetted, I recognized him immediately. His drooping head and heavily stooped-shouldered, shuffling gate quickly identified him to me. He was indeed one of our “special neighbors”. I have seen him at various places in the neighborhood. A middle-aged black man, he carries a worn bible in his left hand. He never lifts his eyes off the ground or utters a single word. I’ve never seen him make an attempt to read that bible. He just shuffles along, head down, eyes down, shoulders down. When I saw him walking alone, in the middle of the night on a deserted street, it filled me with sadness and made me think of that old saying the nuns at Madonna Parochial School drummed into our heads; “there but for the Grace of God, go I”! As I watched him shuffle back up the street, I thought more deeply about exactly what that statement meant and rejected it.

"There but for the Grace of God, go I" is said to make us aware of the good things in our lives and how, perhaps in an instant, it could be taken away. It is supposed to generate empathy in us. I get it. However, for me, this proves an inadequate explanation given the question: “if God is ALL Merciful, why then does he allow such cruel things to happen to people”? When I once posed that question to one of the good sisters, the answer came back, “you must think and pray, there but for the grace of god, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I couldn't relate to that thinking then and I still can’t today. And if I live to be as old as Methuselah, I still won’t believe that. I understand that some might take it as a “positive” message i.e. it makes us aware and appreciative of our own good fortune. But, to me, that is narrow thinking. It fosters a feeling of pity rather than compassion, therefore preventing us from achieving a higher level of understanding of what it means to be human. And isn’t that what the ultimate purpose of religion and spirituality is all about?

When you think about it, the whole statement is really an oxymoron. We’re talking about a god of mercy who teaches us a lesson about mercy by not showing any mercy to certain indiscriminate individuals. Really? Forget faith. This makes no sense at all. Whoever thought of such flawed logic? How can one be merciful by using another’s misfortune as counter point to their own bounty? This is a contradiction in terms.

However, compassion not withstanding, we are still left with the practical issue of what do with a situation that really can be seen as an unsafe. Certainly, I want to live by practicing what I preach (or write!). But I also need to know that my loved ones are truly in no danger (I THINK that they are but this may not be enough). I suppose that the difference will be made in our approach to it. When you start to change a situation like this you must begin with a foundation that’s built on the bedrock of compassion. After all, we ultimately want what’s best for ALL parties. We have approached the owners of the facility with our concerns and plan to continue to encourage them to exercise more care in the movement and behavior of their patients.

There are many in the neighborhood who feel that the only solution is for it to leave for a more appropriate (and safer) area. I’m not so sure that I entirely disagree. However, in the meantime, when I see our special neighbors, I’ll keep in mind THEIR humanity as well as MINE. Because, when you think about it, “there but for the grace of god, go I” has just got to go.