Today's MOZEN: THAT'S LIFE!!!

Words and photo by F LoBuono

Call it an exercise in self-loathing. I am simply not feeling very good about myself today. In fact, I really don't feel terribly good about anything at all right now!

Just one of those days, I suppose. . .

We all have them.

It just seems that I've had an awful lot of them lately. The more I attempt to simplify my life, the more complex it apparently becomes. For me, this translates to stress. I don't sleep well (not that I EVER did). I don't eat well (I USED to). And, I don't respond well. Even the slightest comment that I perceive as negative is met with either stony silence or compact rage.

In other words, I'm not much fun to be around.

There are reasons. Some of them are obvious. Others are more subtle.

In the last few years my marriage collapsed. I left my home. I lost and regained my job, but under less than the ideal circumstances I had worked so hard to earn. My loyal companion for twenty years, Big Red the cat, died. I've lost thirty-four pounds. And, I wasn't all that heavy to begin with. A former world traveler, I haven't been on a formal vacation in years.

But, there are the subtle things, too. Because I can be an ultra-sensitive person (at least in my soul), the sorry state of the world can fill me with trepidation. It can be such a hard place filled with ignorant, mean-spirited souls. At times, I literally weep for those who are truly suffering. There are MANY who have a LOT more to feel sorry about than I do! Still, I feel sorry for myself.

I often feel under-appreciated. I really put myself out there on almost a daily basis. I share my photos constantly. I write and share my writing on almost a daily basis. Yes, I do it because I am compelled to do so. Yes, I get pleasure from sharing. I DO appreciate the feedback and kind words that many impart upon me. In fact, on most days, they mean the world to me. Perhaps, just not today. A little professional recognition wouldn't hurt. But, I have NEVER sold a photograph. Sure, they've been published - for free. I have NEVER sold an article. Sure, they've been published - for free.

I also wonder about the choices that I have made in my life - both personally and professionally.

On a personal level, for example, I ponder why did I wait so long to marry? Why did I choose to eventually marry the woman that I did.  And, why did it come to pass that I would have no children? Professionally, by most standards, I have done pretty well. But, not in my book. I have an IQ of nearly 140 yet still do mostly manual labor. Why have I not used my brain to reach my FULL potential? I should/could be doing more.

It is not unreasonable to ask oneself these questions. In fact, it's important to do so from time to time. However, they seem particularly intense and vexing these days.

Recently turning sixty was far more pleasurable than painful. My wonderful family and friends threw me a surprise party at my favorite "watering hole". I enjoyed it immensely. Thankfully, overall, I'm in great shape physically (despite the extreme weigh loss). So, I don't see this as a so-called midlife crisis. Besides, my ego is FAR to strong too allow myself to think that it might be!

It must be something else.

I am not only sensitive but intense, as well. And, that combination is a two-edged sword. It serves me in many ways. It drives me to look at things deeply AND attempt to do something about it. However, it also vexes me because it drives to look at things deeply and NOT feel there is anything that I can do about it!

And, I am sorry to the people that I have hurt because of it.

I know the Serenity Prayer and recite it often. I KNOW that I have many gifts. I am thankful for all of them. But, I want to experience more than just knowing that I have these things - I want to feel them again!

One of my favorite slogans (and Stella's) is; this too shall pass. To me, it does not mean I am dismissing my feelings. Rather, it reminds me that there is an ebb and flow to life. There is a time for everything under heaven (see Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). Yes, this will turn. I just hope that it's sooner rather than later.

I'll leave with one from Frank Sinatra. It ain't the bible but, hey, it works!

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life (that's life), that's life, I can't deny it,
Many times I thought of cuttin' out, but my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shaken come here this July,
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, my

Read more: Frank Sinatra - That's Life Lyrics | MetroLyrics 



I'll be back on top - in June!!!!!!