Today's MOZEN: Anger Management

F LoBuono

It happened again - I lost my temper. And, if you've ever been unfortunate enough to be on the wrong side of my wrath, it ain't pretty. In fact, I often use the image of the ultimate symbol or rage, the comic book character The Incredible Hulk, to express my ire. Like the mercury in a thermometer left on a hot stove, my anger rises quickly and precipitously until it cannot be contained.

Look, I get it. Everyone loses it from time to time. Hell, even the divine are not immune - think Jesus at the Temple raging against the moneylenders. It's a release of emotion on a grand scale. For a moment, it can even feel liberating. And, we often justify our rage as righteous: someone insults us or our families. Or, we have such ideological differences that we lash out to prove our intellectual superiority over our opponent, especially if they challenge our core beliefs.

Sometimes, we can be validated by our anger. For example, if someone treats you in a racially inferior way or questions your integrity, you may be completely justified in an appropriate response.  However, for me, it's a fleeting sentiment because after I explode I feel as bad (if not worse) than the person who was the subject of my wrath?

So, how do we justify something that comes naturally to most of us while, at that same time, ultimately creates so much discord?Perhaps, the key to acknowledging the reality of all our emotions while at the same time searching for a more compassionate way to live is within the degree of that response.

Let me give you a personal example - the one that actually prompted this post.

A friend, a good friend, questioned my integrity and motivation on a very raw, emotional and personal matter. Or, at least, that's the way that I saw it. And, it made me angry - VERY angry. So, I lashed-out in response. Now, again, I may have been justified in my anger. After all she did question my principals and sincerity without knowing enough of the backstory to make that kind of judgment. And, I called her out on it - viciously. I felt personally attacked and I returned the favor - in spades. I got ugly. I said things to degrade her and were deliberately hurtful.

However, after all that anger blew through me like a summer thunderstorm, I didn't really feel better or even vindicated - at all. In fact, I felt terrible - literally. It felt like having a hangover; it was cool getting there but, now, it was painful! I apologized fairly quickly but, unfortunately, the damage was already done. Now, we have two people feeling like shit. Therefore, ultimately, what was the point?

We can't undo what has already been done. So, going forward, what is the lesson that we might learn to prevent this from happening again? I believe the answer is 3 fold:

1. Check yourself. When someone says or does something to make you angry, take a moment. Breathe. Let it pass over you like a ocean breeze. Then, measure your response.

2. Be honest. Let that person know WHY you are angry - without taking, or making, it personal.

3. Refuse to engage further. Be clear and forceful. Let it be known that you are now in territory that you are not comfortable discussing any longer.

When we lose our temper, no one wins. The person on the receiving end is certainly affected but, so is the one who loses it. Because, at that point, no one is really listening anymore. The release may feel good, but only in the short term. In the long, nothing is truly accomplished.

Now, if I can only remember this for the next time . . .