Today's MOZEN: The Silence of the Deep

F LoBuono

That sucking sound you hear is that of my super-inflated ego being flushed down the drain - AGAIN!

It's not the first time that's happened and I fear that if I live long enough it most certainly will not be the last.

I've never denied having a "healthy" ego. The issue is the definition of healthy. I have always believed in myself and my ability to overcome the odds. This the healthy ego. I have a drive within me that refuses to believe that there is nothing that I can't do with effort and determination if not skill. The problem comes in my lack of aforementioned skill. I may be good at a lot of things but I'm not really exceptional at any- except, perhaps, at telling me people how versatile I am. This is the unhealthy ego.

I was (am) a good athlete but not a great one. I started on every team that I ever played for and even made captain for all of them. The problem was that they were all TERRIBLE teams. My high school football team won 2 games the year I was senior captain. My college football team won none - losing one game 70-3. I set my college football team record for most tackles made in a season yet never rated a single all-star mention. Baseball was the same. I was very competitive on some very poor teams. Yet, I love telling people about my playing days as if I were a star.

For what it's worth, my intellect, as measured by IQ, is NEAR genius. It is 137. Genius level is 140. So, again, I fall just short. But, I tell everyone that I am a genius - well, doesn't ALMOST count?

My marriage collapsed. My stepsons don't speak to me. I own a great, big house that I don't live in. I lost my job at 58 years-old and had to start virtually all over again. I live alone, simply, in a one bedroom apartment. I have plenty of clothing and find myself wearing the same three or four things over and over again. I drive a vehicle that looks as stylish as a box of cereal and has 233,000 miles on it. I apply for jobs within my own company and do not even rate an acknowledgement of receipt. I feel about as desirable as a 3-legged greyhound at a dog track! Still, I walk the streets like I own them.

I am a pretty good photographer - but, not a great one. I have never sold a single photograph. I offered to lecture at the local library on my experiences as a professional news photographer - twice. They loved the idea both times and I never heard back from them. One of the professional Hudson River environmental organizations heard of the years of footage that I have been shooting of the river and expressed interest in obtaining it. Never heard back from them, either. I have produced an outstanding documentary on the legendary photojournalist Nat Fein that was very well received in previews. It sits on a shelf for lack of finishing funds.

And, of course, I have my writing - one of the few things that gives me solace these days. Still, I feel that it lacks a universal appeal that I so desperately desire. I always write with the best of intentions. Now, this does not mean to be "soft". At times, if one truly has a conscience and wishes to write with honesty and integrity, they are bound to step on some toes. But, still, I don't want my writing to be mean-spirited. I have to find a way to be critical when necessary but with compassion for the subject at the same time. And, I don't always accomplish this. I want to turn them ON, not off. This is the challenge. And, lately, I seem to be turning as many "off" as "on".

And, of course, my super ego allows me to believe that I can accomplish all of these things. When I fail to, it's a blow to my self esteem. So, I just seem to get LOUDER in the hopes that the good that I believe I do as a person and artist will get not only noticed, but acknowledged. I don't even like myself when I get this way - all sound and fury, signifying nothing.

There are certainly more ups in my life than downs. Overall, my health and the health of the ones I love is good. I am not cold, hungry, or homeless. I have my wits, mostly, about me. This must be acknowledged to maintain a proper perspective. But, I also think that, from time to time, it's important to reassess our place in the world. Perhaps, because I turn 61 in a few weeks, some might call this a Midlife Crisis. But, I don't feel that way. Age has always been relative to the way we feel and act. And, I don't think that I feel OR act old - certainly not my age - physically I can run rings around most 24 year-olds - as if that were important.

In the past, I have used the analogy of Run Silent. Run Deep to describe my current mental state. It was a tactic used by WWII submarine commanders. If enemy ships were dropping depth charges around the submarine, the commander would order the boat to dive to its deepest depths and cease all activity once that depth was reached. In this way, the commander hoped that, in the silence of the deep, the charges would not be able to find their mark and, therefore, explode harmlessly around the sub. The bombardment could last for minutes or hours. All the men could do was wait and hope - their fate was not in their own hands. . . .