Today's MOZEN: Wrestling With The Angel

Words and photo F LoBuono

Cynthia says I'm wrestling with the angel. Most would say devil but not Cynthia. She prefers to see things from a more benevolent perspective - hers is a kinder, gentler way. Be that as it may, I get the point. It means that I'm struggling - usually with myself. And, it happens more frequently than you would imagine. I think that most people who know me might find that hard to believe. They shouldn't. Everyone struggles from time to time - even mostly smiling, always too loud, FOS characters like me!

By my own admission, considerable self-analysis, and independent corroboration, it would be reasonable to categorize me as a Type A personality. In other words, I'm hard to miss. I can be loud and proud - perhaps, too much so.  Generally, I like to laugh a hell of lot more than I like to cry. My personality can easily be seen as jovial. I also tend to talk too much and listen too little. I walk fast, talk fast and think fast. I can come on like a hurricane. In fact, Cynthia has called me a force of nature.

Being this way can be a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because, when I can slow down enough to focus, I get shit done. Lots of it. I'm driven and disciplined. I live by the credo: failure is not an option.  I practically invented the word multi-tasking. Certainly, no one has ever called me lazy. It pushes me to do more, know more, explore more, feel more.

It's bad because it scatters me. My energy not only overwhelms others, it can overwhelm ME! It creates a huge ego that I trip over all of the time. And, at times, it can make me a shitty listener. This causes poor communication and hurtful scenarios. It makes me frantic and frenetic, anxious and boorish. I have to work really hard not to keep losing shit - forgetting where I left something seconds after doing it. I RARELY sleep more than five hours in a single stretch. Because I thrash about so much during my sleep, people who have seen the state of my sheets in the morning marvel that I have not strangled myself. And, I just want to stop THINKING - about myself, my life, my failings, my future, and the very world itself! The current popularity of one Donald J. Trump just exacerbates the situation. I fear for our future - literally.

When it all gets too much, just like EVERYONE else on the planet, I can get depressed. Really depressed. But, because I have so much energy, when it is negatively focused, it can be a very dangerous thing - deep and consuming. I struggle to find the good, simple things that would ordinarily give me pause to smile. At these times, the world doesn't need gravity because everything just sucks.

What I find at least partially effective in dealing with myself when I feel like this is to maintain contact with those feelings - ALL of them  - and making and effort to understand them. They are all part of the same, big picture. One cannot understand the nature of feeling truly good without the contrast of also knowing what it is like to feel really bad. There is yin and there is yang. So, we need to find a way to embrace the emotion. One way to accomplish this is what I'm doing right now - writing your feelings down and SHARING them. To do so reinforces the fact that we need not bear our burdens totally alone. To be human is to FEEL. So, we all do. To know this is the beginning of healing. It can be a path out of the darkness.

Another thing that can help break the curse of depression is to give yourself a break - literally and figuratively. Re-focus some of that negative energy on the good you have done instead of dwelling on the hurt you may have caused in the world. Acknowledge the gifts that you "bring to the party". And, if you find that you haven't done enough good, make the commitment to start. The more you give at times like this, the more you will get back and the better you will feel. Truth.

Take some time for yourself, to be yourself. RENEW - especially now - it's SPRING, the season of rebirth and promise.Also, remember, sometimes, just breathing is good enough. Give yourself the same break you are determined to give others. If you need a day to bury your head under the covers from dawn 'til dusk, just do it. The world will be there when you get back - as will all of your issues - good and bad. So, at some point, when you've taken that deep breath, little by little, giving more and more back, you start to realize again that, when you let it, life is still pretty grand.