Today's MOZEN: Mea Culpa

F LoBuono

It comes to me at odd hours and, often, in strange places - this deep feeling of sadness. I may be sitting on the couch watching TV and a movie scene triggers it. Or, perhaps, I'm driving to work and a song on the radio will bring me there. Sometimes, I'm not doing anything in particular except lying my head down to sleep when the sadness drifts over me like a blanket of thick fog.

It's not a classic case of depression. The feeling, luckily, is generally fleeting. However, even though it may be brief, that does not detract from its powerful effect on me. It reaches down into the depths of my soul to fill me with an almost overwhelming feeling of sorrow and regret. I think of all the wonderful people who have done nothing but love me and, yet, I still so cruelly rejected. I am confronted by all of the very worthy lovers that I have had in my life who appear in tears before me asking, "why, Frankie, why?" I have no answer for them except my own tears in return.

Because I have a healthy ego; I am never falsely modest. I know that I have a good heart and I have loved deeply, too, often without reciprocity. This is the Yin-Yang of life that I have often written about on this very blog; pain and pleasure are two sides of the same coin. So, I accept the feeling, even welcome it. Perhaps, it may be because as I age, everyone around me does, too. That means dealing with the fact that I will lose, at some point, everyone and everything that I love. If that doesn't intensify your feelings then, maybe, your dead already and didn't notice!

Anyway, as I mentioned, the feeling tends to pass quickly. But, I still feel a need to, in a sense, counter it. It is too powerful to ignore - there is an important message contained within the emotion. It must not be allowed to fester. So, I commit myself to being more open, more accepting, and, in the end, more loving.

LOVE - ALWAYS!